Sleepless

It's 2am and I've spent the last 5 hours watching 5 episodes of West Wing, cleaning my room, writing out my schedule for the week and making a new CD. I know I'm exhausted, but sleep is far from me. I think about the week to come, the month to come, the wedding and how I wonder how I'll get through till the wedding. I want to write, read, think, but I am exhausted. Here goes...

Four related women, but oh so different

Mom-my mother, early 50’s but refusing to accept that. Housewife. Mother to many.
Grandma-Mom’s mom, 69 years and 9 months. Recently divorced. Discovering independence.
Phyllis-Grandma’s sister, 72. WV Church of God preacher-enough said.
Me-23. 2 months and 6 days from my wedding. Transitioning to a summer with family.

Mom, Grandma and I left Ohio after putting Aaron on a plane for the twin cities with the final destination of Sioux Falls, SD for his CPE site. We picked up Phyllis in WV and headed for the beach. We got here and were able to enjoy a few hours of lying in the sun. The next two days were unseasonably cold, 55-60 for highs, and wet. Mom and I spent them reading, drinking and shopping. Today, finally, 75 and sunny. Tonight it’s dinner then bottles of wine on the beach for Mom and I. Tomorrow we have an extended checkout in order to get 3 hours of fun in the sun before we leave.

This morning Phyllis gets up and talks LOUDLY on the phone before 7. at 7:30 she decides we need to wake up and enters our room screaming, “Get up girls, it’s sunny, get out to the beach!” I answered, “Phyllis, get away!” When I wanted to say, “Phyllis, fuck!” I stopped myself and later told Mom of this urge. We wondered when the last time she heard that word and her name in the same sentence.

While catching the rays I finished reading The Notebook. I can’t imagine the pain of watching a lover be affected by Alzheimer’s disease. A few years ago I watched my other grandma do this and it was visibly very painful. But the details of love described bring it to a new level, as do my feelings for Aaron. Realizing that we’ll get old and watch each other’s health deteriorate is hard. I question my willingness to spend this summer apart. What about later in life when the thought of a summer given up will seem the most foolish thing I’ve done. Yes, we talk a few hours a day, but it’s not the same. How can a disease be so cruel? Which is worse, losing your memories or excruciating pain? I’d have to say losing memories. For now, Aaron and I are blessed with health, but I think about Grandma and cry.

The End

The last week of my junior year (first year of studies for a seminarian), WAHOO! I remember the beginning of the first semester and I told a trusted friend that if we could make it through the first semester we could make it through the four years. One of them is 3 papers or 35 pages away from being completed.

When I think about the year, I see my amazing fiancé and think about what difference a year can make in a life. I have found professors who challenge me with ideas and projects. I have even found a few who will spend hours perfecting papers with me. Friends, ahh the friends, some are definite lifers. This place will suck you in and bind you together with people you never thought possible.

The world this year, AHH! A tsunami killed hundreds of thousands of people the day after Christmas. Our country re-elect Bush. Countries like Colombia and El Salvador are seeing an increase in violence and political unrest.

I want to scream, rejoice, have my room packed, have my papers written and my wedding already planned and paid for! Most of all, I want to be free to think, free to read what I choose and free to be...just be.